Try this one simple change in your vocabulary – remove the word “why”….
Impossible I hear you cry! Can you teach my toddler how to do it? Why would I do that?
Well, it’s really not impossible and it can have surprisingly positive effects on your conversations. (And sadly, I have not come up with a toddler version yet!)
So how does it work? Well, it’s simple – and I’ll give you a real life example of a conversation where I used this substitution with great effect.
My husband was considering doing a Masters, but he had a huge number of arguments he needed to overcome in his head before he started. We were chatting about it and he said “well, I definitely can’t start until at least next year”. Now, dear reader, every fibre in my body just wanted to say “why?” But I didn’t.
So, instead, I asked him – “What’s the reason you can’t start until next year?” He sat back, thought carefully & responded “money, we won’t have enough saved up”.
So I asked him to talk me through the cost in detail. When we talked through it, we discovered that actually there was no money issue, certainly not one we couldn’t overcome with a bit of careful planning. I know in my heart and soul if I had said “why can’t you start until next year?”, he would have more than likely come out with something like “Oh there’s so many reasons” or “the timing isn’t right”. Result – he’s recently just qualified!
Why often puts people on the defensive, even if it is said with the best of intentions.
To answer a “why” question, you have to respond with “because…” and defend your actions, thoughts and feelings. This can often lead to an emotional & defensive rather than a logical response. So instead of using why, try asking “What’s the reason?” The brain starts looking for the actual reason(s) for something rather than a personal defense of a decision.
It’s equally effective at work. If you are talking with a colleague and they are showing you a process that looks overly complicated, or just plain makes no sense to you, instead of asking “why do you do that?!” ask them, “What’s the reason we do it like this?”
Rather than someone feeling like they have to justify their work, they are forced to consider the logical steps of the process. If it is one of those procedures that just evolved and there’s no real rationale behind it, you might have discovered an opportunity for change and improvement. If the reason is solid, well then you have learned something new, and asked a question in a thoughtful and considered manner.
I learned this tip a few years ago when I was doing my Diploma in Coaching, and to this day it surprises me how simple and effective a way it is to ask questions which lead to clear, honest and logical answers.
Try it for a day (or a week if you are feeling brave) & let me know how you get on!